Ramblings

I don't know if it is appropriate to wallow in self-pity and worthlessness here. I'm not looking for sympathy, merely to vomit out what I feel onto some platform, in the hopes of alleviating this feeling.


Sometimes, I feel so under-accomplished. I am turning 24 this year. Omg, so old. Two dozen years on this planet, and what have I done? Nothing worth noting, that's for sure. I haven't secured a degree under my belt, have not earned a single dime, and have not achieved any of my dreams (shallow as they may be). My bf psychoanalyzed me the other day, and told me that I am easily influenced by my surroundings and I try too hard to fit into the norm. All around me, I see my friends reaching the end point in their training, while I have yet to begin. Some have set up blogshops and whatnot, generating income even before they graduate. Some have part-time jobs and are really great at it. Some are engaged/married and set to face the future together.

I dream. I dream a lot. I wanted to have an eBay store, to sell my second hand clothes. But that's not really a practical dream, is it? I'm not exactly the most fashionable person, plus I rarely shop at high street stores. I wanted to become a model. Again, not realistic. I don't have a clear complexion, can't put on foundation properly, not tall enough, plus I don't have the exact body for it (even if I like to think so sometimes). I wanted to be a singer, but I can't sing to save my life. I wanted to have a famous blog, but am not nearly interesting enough nor do I update often enough. I wanted to be an air stewardess, but well my parents and bf were kind of against it, since I will be away for too long. See how unrealistic I am?


I acknowledge that my dreams are shallow. You might think, what about being a successful pharmacist? Isn't that supposed to be your main goal in life? You are soon to be achieving that after all. The practical and boring goal, yes. Not that I don't enjoy working as one, because I do. But it's not what I really REALLY like. You know what I mean? It's the job that gets money in, not the job you've always dreamed of having since you were a kid. Sure, every job has their perks and disadvantages, but I still yearn for it. I'm jealous, oh so jealous of people working as what I've always wanted to be. Of people who have the freedom and ability to do what they like.


I've always wanted to be known. Maybe it stems from how insignificant I felt back in the early days of high school. I hated my first year in high school. I hardly knew anyone in class, and the popular kids made fun of me. So perhaps that formed the thought that popular people wield the power. Or maybe I'm just naturally an attention seeker. But anyway, the point is that I want to be known, in a good way. That is my ultimate shallow goal. But who's going to know me by being a pharmacist? You don't go around telling people:

"OMG!!! Do you know this pharmacist? She is THE BEST!!! You just have to get your medication from her because she is (lists good pharmacist's qualities)!!!"

You don't, do you? No one cares about pharmacists. It's not like doctors, where patients will tell their friends/family about this awesome doctor who was so patient and understanding and accurate and other excellent doctor qualities. I can't even be known in my professional field. Wtf.

Some people have told me that I am unerringly positive. Well, here you go. I'm not positive all the time. I have bouts of self-pity and whatnot.


I don't know what is the point of this blogpost. I'm sorry if you wasted 5 minutes of your life reading this. Not really. Bye!

*p.s. On a brighter note, I'm getting my eyebrows done at Benefit after my exam!!! I've never actually specifically been to do my brows before. It was only when I did make overs for proms. So yay! Excited!!!